Vulnerability Is Real Strength

Being vulnerable doesn’t come easily to me. I was raised in a “suck it up” and “no excuses” household. Vulnerability was almost seen as a weakness – it was something people used to control you and keep you in line.

The pressure for perfection has been great for my work ethic, but has weighed heavy on my relationships. I have a really difficult time feeling truly connected to people and I’ve spent years outrunning that discomfort. Now, looking back, there’s only one person I can ever remember being completely open with about my flaws, dreams and innermost desires. I gave them all of me and they used my vulnerabilities to manipulate me rather than protecting my heart. It was everything I grew up seeing and reinforced the idea that vulnerability is bad.

I thought opening up would make me weak so I would shove down my hurt and let people treat me less than I deserved. Then when I drank a few too many glasses of wine it came out in anger. How dare they treat me so badly? How could they take advantage of my heart? Why don’t they act like they love me? Well, the truth is they treated me that way, because I let them.

Do I regret being vulnerable and having my heart broken? Absolutely not. I only regret that I allowed them to continue to prey on my insecurities and hopefulness. I regret that I allowed their lack of respect for me to close myself off from love, friendships and true connections. I should have put boundaries in place from day one. I shouldn’t have given someone so much of me who had no issues seeing me cry. That is on me.

I learned that vulnerability shouldn’t be winning or losing in relationships. It should only intensify your connection and make you both feel grateful. You have a right to show up for yourself and to feel everything you feel without fear that someone will use it to hurt you.

I think I subconsciously built walls no one could ever scale after that. I’m realizing I never let those walls down, not even in my marriage. And to be honest, I’m not entirely sure how to. It’s terrifying to give people a piece of yourself, but it’s the only way to build true connection.

I’ve made a point lately to sit in the uncomfortable, to cry openly, to scream at the top of my lungs to an empty house and to remind myself that not holding it together all the time doesn’t mean I’m not strong. This year alone I’ve been so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve been so in love I mourned the moment while I was still in it for fear it would end. I’ve laughed until I peed a little and wept openly to an Aldi cashier. I’ve felt everything - intensely.

I’m slowly opening up to people, reaching out and saying what I need, giving them a chance to show me that they value my vulnerability and realizing the right people won’t take advantage of my heart. It’s making me incredibly uncomfortable some days and immensely grateful others. 

I don’t want it to take 31 years for you to feel all of your feelings and be your truest self. What I want for you, from the day you are born throughout your entire life, is to know that strength is not measured in how well you fight back your emotions, but how authentically you honor and embrace them.

You’re strong enough to fight through rejection. We both are. And believe me, it’s better than you rejecting yourself. You’re not weak for crying, loving or giving people pieces of your heart. You, my dear, are courageous.