If Dating Apps Were People
In the last few weeks, I decided to give dating apps another chance, because how else do you meet people now? The more men I talked to, the more I noticed a persona on each app. So today, I give you If Dating Apps Were People:
Tinder He’s a 40 year old frat bro who still can’t find the clitoris, even after a YouTube tutorial. He drinks cheap beer and thinks it’s cool he can pound an entire six pack in less than an hour. He’s also the guy that takes you on a date to McDonalds or somewhere else with a dollar menu because he’s “in between jobs right now.” He always asks what you’re wearing, even at 2pm on a work day and gets offended when you tell him you’re looking for something more serious.
Bumble This guy has no idea how he’s still single. His momma says he’s a catch. He loves that the woman sends the first message and can’t wait to find someone to continue making all the effort - cook, clean and raise his babies while he works in a call center for the next twenty years. He constantly complains about his job, but never makes an effort to find something else. He doesn’t have any real hobbies and there’s nothing really “bad” about him. He’s just vanilla. Eventually the conversation dies of natural causes, like lack of personality.
Hinge Hello, Mr. Hella Metro. His hair looks better than yours, there’s not one stray piece out of place - he made sure before he winked goodbye at himself in the mirror. He lives with four other dudes in a house that’s falling apart and has no real furniture, but owns 4 different types of designer cologne. He’s a musician, which really means bartender and always has four other girls on speed dial. There’s a good chance he calls you one of their names at some point and then says something extra douchey like, “That’s my sister’s friend’s name. We were just talking. Stop making a big deal about it” - and continues to gaslight you until you aren’t sure which one of you is crazy.
Facebook He types lyk dis n u dunno y. You have no mutual friends and have no idea how you got matched. You’ve heard two stories about him haulin stuff in his truck, about how he and his buddies from highschool sit in a field and burn stuff on the weekend drinking Bush Light, but he says it like you should be impressed. He hasn’t asked you one question about yourself. You’re now strongly considering deleting Facebook all together.
Ego Boosters And then every dating app has the ones that you match with that never message you. They are collecting matches with no intention to meet up. They’re on a break with their girlfriend and “just seeing what’s out there.”
And that, my sisters, is the joy of online dating. I felt great about deleting all of those apps this weekend and embracing being single AF. My dog is a better catch.