A Dangerous Confusion: Standards vs Expectations
When my dad was sixteen, he and my mom broke up. He’d lost her trust and she wasn’t putting up with him anymore. He showed up at her house ready to win her back and was told she had gone to the beach. Realizing he’d likely lost her for good this time, he got in the car, drove straight to the Gulf and spent hours cruising up and down the strip searching for her. Later, he found out she’d never gone to the beach, she just didn’t want to see him.
I can’t even get a man to text me back within 4 hours much less search for me at a public beach. That’s when I realized, my standards were too low and expectations were too high.
My dad loves to tell me the story of him chasing after my mom to remind me that I’m a catch and any man who loves me will be so afraid to lose me that he’d chase me. For a long time that’s what I took as the moral – if you put up with someone you love treating you like dirt for long enough, then eventually get fed up and disappear, they will realize how much they love you and chase you to win you back.
THAT’S ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
Even to this day, my dad thinks that’s the point of the story and recently revisited it with me when I had my heart broken. For a moment, I thought, that’s true, he should show up at my door saying, “I made a huge mistake and I can’t live without you!” I mean, come on, doesn’t he know what he’s missing? And maybe he could have done that, but that never should have been my expectation.
Now I see, the real moral of the story is to not ever lower your standards so that someone is treating you less than you deserve.
There’s a difference in high standards and high expectations.
Having expectations is like practicing your Spanish for months to visit Barcelona. Then canceling your trip last minute and going to Panama City instead. And the entire time you’re in Florida, you’re only speaking in Spanish and demanding that every restaurant you eat at makes you tapas, because that’s the vacation you wanted. And then freaking out and throwing a fit when they won’t make you tapas, because it’s Panama City. There’s nothing wrong with Panama City. Some people are dreaming of vacationing there, but you wanted Barcelona. If you’re looking for tapas, don’t go to Panama City.
That’s how you should view dating - expectations should be almost non-existent, because they will always, without a doubt disappoint you. When you’re sad after a date it means you had expectations. If you go in with no expectations you can have a great time with anyone. If, while on that date, you realize they don’t meet your standards and say, yell at the waitress because it took her too long to get his beer, then you say nice to meet you, adios. It’s not anyone’s job to conform to your standards. It’s okay if everyone isn’t a match.
In the past, I allowed outside influences to convince me what my relationship requirements should be. It got to the point where I married someone I knew in my gut wasn’t right for me (that’s a story for another time). The point is, listening to everyone else about what should be important to you and who is and isn’t right for you will only lead you to be unable to trust yourself and you’ll feel the need to consult someone about every person you date. Set your standards and trust your gut.
It’s easy for us to determine what we like in the looks department, but we have a harder time narrowing down the traits that will actually give us a strong, healthy relationship. I prefer tall men with beards, but it’s not a requirement. Being kind to me is a requirement. It doesn’t make you shallow to have standards and preferences – it makes you self-aware.
Here are some of my non-negotiables:
Treats me and others with respect and kindness.
Follow through – if they tell me they are going to do something they do it unless they are hit by a truck.
Honest to a fault.
Actively shows me that I am a priority.
Makes me laugh.
Undeniable chemistry.
Personal and professional drive
Listens.
Similar life goals.
It may seem like a long list, but if someone isn’t kind, respectful and honest with me then I don’t even want them as a friend, so I certainly wouldn’t want them as a life partner.
I dated someone long distance that I would ask to pay attention to me, to respond to my texts and to show me in some way that I was a priority. I use to think there was something wrong with me, because he didn’t do these things on his own. My first instinct was to think that I was asking too much or that I wasn’t good enough.
Now, I realize I was just asking for the bare minimum, him to text me back. If I was a priority, he could have sent me flowers. He could have written me a letter. He could Facetime me. There were so many simple ways I could have been shown love and none required begging.
If someone can’t deliver and meet your standards then that’s on them. Then you aren’t a good match. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough or that you are asking too much.
Standards cannot disappoint you. They will empower you.
Fill up your own damn cup then decide who gets to drink.